fuckityxbye:

• _{And then Satan said “put the alphabet in math”.}
• _{Sometimes I think I’m sassy and then I realise I’m just too sarcastic and borderline mean.}
• _{Do my dark undereye circles and unwashed hair turn you on?} 
• _{I love sunglasses! Am I looking at that tree? Am I looking at your dick? Who knows!}
• _{This is the police, open up, tell me about yourself, don’t be afraid.}
• _{Raise your hand if you’re a lil’ bit of an asshole.} 
• _{Why don’t people do random nice things for me? You know, send me a message, draw me, paint me, send me three hundred thousand dollars.}
• _{I am three years behind on math homework.} 
• _{I don’t like your clothes; take them off.} 
• _{What if you start making car alarm noises when people you don’t like touch you?}
• _{Hey, is your girlfriend seeing anyone?}
• _{I get butterflies when I think about myself.} 
• _{When you see a good body and you just can’t think of a good pun. IT’s dev-ass-tating.}
• _{Umm… hi. My friend wanted to know if you think I’m hot.} 
• _{To quote Hamlet, act three, scene three, line ninety two, “no.”}
• _{I never run voluntarily so if you see me running, you should probably run too because something must be coming.} 
• _{I’ve got a masters degree in being ignored.} 
• _{I will do a lot of things, but admitting to my mum that I’m cold after she told me to bring a jacket isn’t one of them.} 
• _{Dads are either too nice or assholes; there’s no in between.}
• _{On a scale of fake pockets to nachos, how good is your idea?} 
• _{I’m alive, but only ironically.} 
• _{I’ve been in a bad mood since two thousand and seven.} 
• _{No, you’re not as funny as me. Stop trying.} 
• _{Just suck my dick, bro. I said no homo like, five times.} 
• _{I love it when people try to hurt my feelings because I don’t have any.} 
• _{-sighs- Why am I better than everyone?} 
• _{I don’t trust people who can look good with messy hair.} 
• _{If my jokes offend you - one; I’m sorry. Two; it won’t happen again. Three; one and two are lies. Four; you’re a pussy.} 
• _{If I go to hell, I’m just going to torture everyone by continually asking if it’s hot in here of if it’s just me.} 
• _{My love is like a candle; if you forget me, I will burn your fucking house down.} 
• _{Let’s play a game called “Guess My Sexuality”.} 
• _{I’m angry and quite offended that you don’t have a crush on me.} 
• _{Are you from Europe because europiece of shit.}